BEARING WITNESS TO GUILT

Think of an act you’ve felt guilty about. Think of the person that was hurt by your action. Can you feel the guilt in your body? Where does it sit? What does it feel like? Is it a hollow feeling? Is it a heavy feeling? Now, once you feel it, is there an impulse that comes with it? What does this feeling make you want to do?

If you’re not avoiding, and going to shame or denial, you’ll most likely have an impulse to reach out to that individual, or repair in some way. If reparation is not possible, then you’ll feel motivated to make amends by changing your behaviour in the future. This is the power of guilt, if felt. It’s a correcting emotion; it brings us back to our moral and ethical ideal.

We live in a world that has little room for our negative emotions. Even calling them “negative” is problematic. Guilt is not negative, it is one of the most valuable emotions we have. But it is uncomfortable for the owner of that emotion, and it is uncomfortable for the witness to that emotion. So we are quick to abandon people in their guilt, by telling them that they should not feel guilty.

Why do we do this? We do this because it hurts us to see someone else in emotional pain. By denying their guilt, we are being selfish. True compassion is to validate and make room for someone’s guilt, to sit with them and bear witness to their reality. To contain them in their pain, and their grief. Guilt is a loving response, and the behaviour it causes is a loving act.

“True compassion is to validate and make room for someone’s guilt”

HOW TO DEAL WITH GUILT

To those of you who have had to make the most difficult decisions, or found yourself in the most desperate of circumstances, I implore you to feel your guilt. Find someone to bear witness to it, so they can comfort you in your pain. All it does is signify your love for others, and your inner goodness. Allow your guilt, and let it lead you and motivate your behaviour.

As a therapist, my job is to meet a client where they are feeling. For example, when working with a parent who has lost a child, there’s often guilt around their inability to protect their child. There is usually no rational way a parent could have saved their child, so how do I respond? Do I abandon them by trying to rationalise their guilt, and telling them what everyone has already said: “it’s not your fault, there’s nothing you could have done”? Or do I acknowledge their feelings, and ask the most compassionate and difficult of questions: “how do you apologise to your child?”

By asking this question, it allows an outpouring of grief, pain, longing and love. Rather than abandoning them, this question enables people to speak their truth. It honours their guilty feelings, which, when fully experienced and moved through, simply demonstrate their love for their child. The parent’s guilt symbolised their love, and to love is to feel pain. If we truly want a loving and healthy society, then we need to improve our ability to tolerate our emotional pain.